I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
