At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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