You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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