well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
