Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I pour the whiskey from now on
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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