That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
