I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
