i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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