filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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