If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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