Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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