we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
