happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
