Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
