And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
