...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
