We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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