my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
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