I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
