There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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