someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize