he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
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