My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
