weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
