i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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