Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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