I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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