the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
