did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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