i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
