Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
