I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
