Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
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