the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
