I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
