well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i out mim tonsoeep
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