I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
