saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You don't make any sense
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