Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
