Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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