I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
