i jhust puked up my retainher.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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