note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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