There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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