They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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