Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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