Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
