Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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