It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
