Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
