You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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