Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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