i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
