You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
