I am puke
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
