I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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