highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
