I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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