The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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