remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
