I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
