When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I wish you could order shots online.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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