The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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