Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
